Imperfect
by janesspiritanimal
Summary: The whole story starts with Hoyt. Jane is about to get back to work. Her hands still in a healing progress. Maura has her own problems. How often to you find your dead brother on your autopsy table? Jane questioning her abilities and Maura is afraid of the things, she could find out about her family. Including rizzles, drama, fear, love, self doubts and smut.
1. Chapter 1

Here we go again. I re-watched 1x08. So, Hoyt. I wanted to write something darker, more angst-ridden, so i started this one. These include the Hoyt-Storyline, a deeper look at Colin Doyle and of course, Rizzlesaction. They are references to season one, but i will mix things up. No worries, Jane and Maura find their way, earlier as you maybe expected, but they need time. I make time leaps sometimes, so be aware. We got drama, fear, love, self doubts and smut. Let´s go!

* * *

**Chapter one  
**

_I love you.  
_

_I love you too, Maura. You´re my best friend._

_No Jane, I'm in love with you. _

* * *

Jane was looking at her hands. Three months ago, Charles Hoyt captured her. Broke her. No one before was capable to do that. Jane got through everything. The mobbing in high school. The nicknames, they gave her. The sexual harassment in police school. She built up a wall, to protect herself. It allowed no friends and no lovers, to keep her safe, from every pain in the world. She learned in her life, that this was the only way, the bear the misery without getting hurt. Jane was a homicide detective and a hell of a cop. No one would mess with her. When someone underrate her, she would show them how it´s done. And than this case came up. A psychopath fixed on couples. Raped the woman, let the husband watch. Jane was investigating. She was good. She got him, but she didn´t broke him. He did. He made her vulnerable. Pierced her palms with a scalpel. Each hand attached to the ground. She felt, like all the pain in the world came to her. She was afraid. So damn fucking afraid, that her own imagine kills her. That wasn´t her. It was some other woman, looking like her. She would never lie there, in tears, begging for her life. But she did and she couldn´t live with that.

This ugly scars on her hands, reminds everyone, that Jane can´t be trusted. It was a stupid mistake. No one would trust her anymore. How could someone could sleep well, with that thought, that someone like Jane, was about to have their back? Where was she, to protect someone? She couldn´t protect herself. She was nothing. Just a broken woman. Everyone could see it. She felt like that woman in the movie 'the Scarlet Letter'. The only difference was, that Jane has scarred hands and a light scar on her neck.

Sometimes she thought, to take her own life. The nightmares didn´t stop and she felt pathetic. She couldn´t sleep. She had fear. Fear of her thoughts and what Hoyt would do to her. For the doctors, it was always a fight, to bring Jane down. She was so weak. Her hands were the most important thing to her. What was, when there never working again, like they did before? She was about to quit her job. Paperwork wasn´t fulfilling and no one would ever want to work with her again.

The revelry was a hard time. Not just for her, for her whole family. She did not want to see anyone from the BPD, but no Rizzoli would ever listen to her, principally not her ma. Frankie tried to cheer her up. She was closer to him, than anyone of her family. They were like twins, except the fact, that Jane was a few years older. He followed her footsteps, wanted to be a homicide detective. If it was possible, she would give him her place.

It took her some time in therapy, to recover from the injuries. Hoyt did a good job. The doctors figured out, that Jane felt a phantom pain. Well it was Maura, who found out. She studied the medical diagnosis and couldn´t understand why Jane was in so much pain. Jane never admitted it. Every time she wanted to move her hands, she felt the cold steel cutting through her hands. Maura knew it, but she didn´t say a word. With time, it got better. It bothered her, that she wasn´t capable of holding a simple tennis ball, giving someone a hand shake or go through her hair without pain. She was fighting, to do those simple things.

Someday Cavanaugh was visiting. Jane wouldn´t do any psychotherapy. No one, not even Maura, could talk her into this. But her boss did. He gave her a speech, which wakes her up. She did it. She felt better. Her hands recovered and at some point, she went home. Hoyt was in prison and he could never touch her again. It felt good. Anyway she didn´t find sleep at all. She told no one. Everyone was about to treat her like a child, but she pushed them away. Even Maura, because she knew. she couldn´t deal with her google talk. It was too much. She suffered alone. She wanted no one, to tell her, how she felt, when she didn´t know it at all. Someone, who looked at her, knowing the cause of the dark circles under her eyes and why she looked pale.

She wasn´t the same person, she was three months ago. But she was here, back in the BPD, in front of the elevators. She stood her so often. Upstairs to her desk, downstairs to the morgue. She missed it. Jane felt out-of-place. She felt everyone´s eyes on her. Jane was about to scream. She didn´t, because she feared, her voice was broken too. This strong voice, full of emotions. She pushed the button, making all her way up to the homicide department. Cavanaugh expected her. She hadn´t her badge back and she didn´t know, how do hold a gun anymore. Maybe she should just go home. She just stood there, lost, like a puppy. Was that it? The end? Should she go home, find a husband and be a mother? No more ass kicking? Doing her gum shoe thing? Chasing the bad guys? Jane´s head went nuts. Her hands hiding in her pockets.

She felt a hand on her lower back. "I got you."

Jane was about to cry, when she looked in those green hazel eyes. Of course she did. She always does.

"I can´t Maur."

"Come with me."

"Where do we go?"

"Down to the morgue. The dead don´t judge."

"But Cava.."

"He don´t mind."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two**

To be back in the morgue, was really tough. All those memories. The cases. Everything. But Maura was right; no one was looking at her. Jane felt relieved down here. The criminal lab was focused on their work. No one was looking, but her hands were still in her pockets. Deep down, so no one could reach them. Maura let her. Her hand never left her back. She pushed her literally. Support her. Giving her strength, Jane couldn´t find anymore. She was here for her best friend, although Jane was such a miserable friend. She hurt Maura, said things, she didn´t mean and was rude. But Maura forgave her. Everything. Every word, that came over Jane´s lips. She´d almost think, Maura got tired of her bullshit, but the ME was patience. Too patience. Jane didn´t understand it at all. If Maura would never speak to her, she wouldn´t be surprised. It bothers her, that Maura was sweet as ever.

"Where do we go?"

"To my office."

"I want to go to the morgue."

"Jane."

"Please Maura."

"You shouldn't."

"You shouldn´t have kidnapped me."

"At least let me put away my surgical instruments."

"I can handle it."

Maura gave her that worried look. Maura was the one, who couldn´t lie. Never. She´d break out in hives and hyperventilating. Jane was better in it, but not with her. She felt those green hazel eyes on her, knowing, that her emotions were stuck on her face. Her eyes were like an open book. When she laughed and it wasn´t real, you won´t see any light in those dark brown eyes. No one saw this, but Maura does. And she did it now. It was not necessary to say a word, because Jane knew it. She felt caught.

"Maura."

"Your eyebrow twitched."

"What?"

"When your left eyebrow move, you are lying or you´re not saying the whole truth. You can´t hide it from me Jane."

Jane let out a long sigh.

"I know. I think you´re the only one who knows that."

Maura gave her a little smile, but it means so much.

"Please."

Jane knew, if she begged enough, Maura gave in.

There was a body on the autopsy table. Maura walked ahead, to cover it. She pushed away her instruments. In silence, Jane thanked her for that. She knew, Maura would never hurt her, but a scalpel, was the last thing she wanted to see.

"You don´t have to do that."

"Excuse me?"

"I´m not fragile. I can handle a dead body."

"I know Jane. I just want to be disrespectful."

"You´re one of a kind."

"I think, I don´t understand that phrase."

"You´re ... unique."

Maura looked at the floor, but Jane knew, there was a big, wide smile on her face. She knew that this smile would guide her through every darkness. Those dimples always betrayed her. Many unspoken words, stayed between them.  
When Jane joined the homicide department, Maura were recruited as the new Medical Examiner at the same time. Antisocial, goofy and full of knowledge. She couldn´t stop talking. At the beginning, they had their problems. Jane was impatience in it´s purest form. Maura wanted to test everything. Ligature marks were for Jane a clear sign, that the victim was strangled. Maura needed at least seven tests, to confirm this. She couldn´t say blood. Reddish brown stains. They both learned, to handle each other's habits. Jane wasn´t perfect either. They didn´t fight or were gossiping. It took some time, until they realized, how good they fit together. The two became best friends. Jane helped in the autopsies and with Maura knowledge, they found more evidence. Jane supported Maura, to get better involved in the BPD. Frost and Korsak appreciate the Doctors knowledge. In silence, Maura thanked Jane for her help.  
At some point, the guys where asking question. Neither Jane nor Maura were dating. They were both good-looking. It didn´t make any sense. In a room full of detectives and those two gorgeous women, who were fighting like an old married couple, hugged and touched each other, like there´s no tomorrow, it looked suspicious. Both of them had never really a best friend. Jane had one in high school. Maura didn´t had any. They were just following their feelings. The detective stayed sometimes at the ME´s house and the ME at Jane´s crappy apartment. They had a beer, a glass of wine, eating Chinese food and were watching a movie. Nothings odd. Were they to old, to have a sleepover? Jane always denied that there was more. She never told Maura, that the guys thought so, but she disabused. Maura told Jane, how she really felt, but Jane rejected her. It wasn´t the right time. She knew, that she hurt the honey-blonde, but she avoided that topic, every time, someone brought it up.

_I love you._

_I love you too, Maura. You´re my best friend._

_No Jane, I'm in love with you. _

_You must be kidding!_

_I would never…_

_Maura, just look at me! Who could ever love me? Seriously?! He broke me. I´m shattered. Look at my hands! This is pathetic._

Jane sat down on a stool at the autopsy table. Maura on the other side. She didn´t know what to say. It felt like home in here. Somehow, she felt out-of-place. Here hands lay on her thighs, while she looked at them. Would she ever get used to those scars?

"Show me your hands."

The brunette's whole body tensed up. Every muscle began to cramp.

"Don´t do this Jane."

"Do what?"

"What are you hiding, what I haven´t already seen?"

Jane felt ashamed.

"It´s just… it´s not beautiful. You really do not want to see it."

"Listen to me. It is beautiful. Don´t you dare shake your head. It is and you know why? It shows me, how strong you are. You think, you are broken, but you´re not. You are one strong, independent, gorgeous woman."

"I have the feeling, everyone is staring at me. It is my job, to save people´s life. Look Maura, I wasn´t capable to save me own life. He marked me and for the rest of my life, everyone will always remember that pathetic woman. I feel weak. Like a Rookie. I don´t know who I am anymore."

"You are still the bad ass detective, you was before. And now show me your hands. Please Jane."

Jane laid her hands on the cold autopsy table. It reminds her of Hoyt. That feeling of cold steel, but as soon as Maura laid hands on her, the feeling was gone. She could feel the warmth of her skin pass through her own. Bring her back to life. Jane did not have only one secret, to be honest, there were two. Because of her mind, she was still in pain. No one knew. She told her doc, the phantom pain was gone, but she lied. Every time she thought of it or touched something cold, the pain was back. Her hands were sensitive to changes in the weather. Very sensitive.  
The second thing was, when Maura touched her skin, she could feel the healing progress. Maura was like a cure to her. It was a relief, to feel her. For some seconds Jane could bear it. She let Maura study her scars. Let her touch them. Let her stroke her skin, because it felt too good. Because she needed it. But she didn´t deserved it. At some point, it felt, like she burnt her hands, as she jump up, hands immediately back in her pockets. After everything she did and said, she couldn´t just sit here, let Maura care her useless hands, like nothing happened.

"I can´t."

She just rushed out the morgue, mumbled something about Cavanaugh and left an irritated Maura, which broke out in tears, the second, she heard the closing elevator doors.


End file.
